55th Annual SERA Summer Cave Carnival

 

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A Letter from Imiss Daholshebang

By: Dr. Beaner  (Undisclosed Location, T.A.G.)
drbeaner@charter.net



Dr Beaner, I am really bummed out about missing the SERA event after all the cool stuff I read about it. Can you tell me more about it and what CAG has to do with it? Why do most of the cavers seem to be so old these days? And what about this "Manitou trip" afterwards? Please help me!
 

Imiss Daholshebang
 

Dear Imiss,

What an odd name you have! I'll just have to call you Imy. Yes the event known as SERA is usually a very fun time for all attendees. This year however it was hosted by a very special group known as CAG who gave it a unique flavor unlike that of any other SERA event known to modern cavers. Indeed CAG (Carney Affinity Group) did things differently than others usually do as it is their very nature to do so! As you may have heard Carneys are usually associated with obscure things having to do with carnivals such as "fried foods on a stick", nauseating thrill rides, hopelessly rigged contests, odd clothing, lack of personal hygiene, mental illnesses, obscure mating rituals, juggling, wearing of clown and other scary costumes, and a need for escaping the drudgery of normal everyday existence. Oddly the mix of Carneys and Cavers in a confined area produced no unpleasant social eruptions. On the contrary it appears that Carneys and Cavers are of a similar mindset (or equally mentally challenged perhaps). If one were to remove clowns, fried foods on a stick, and perhaps juggling from the above list it is clear that cavers are dang near the same as Carneys and thus a good time was had by all that attended! But I digress... Of course we all are aware through our astute powers of observation that many of our SERA members are not in the category of youngsters anymore. This years well planned SERA event thus catered to advanced age cavers in many ways as our elderly members enjoyed a huge selection of special needs items being sold on vendors row. Included was Howies Herniasses (for the unfortunate hernia sufferers amongst us), TiedUpInRope1 selling their popular bondage devices for those frisky enough to enjoy limited but sporting nocturnal activities, the NSS Bookstore selling large print reading material for the less adventurous night owls, and even IMO (Incontinence Management Outfitters) was there under new management selling their specialty wares. Upon asking Nina and Jeff if they had any new items for sale all they would say was "Depends"! Of course I can't leave out the SCCi (Senior Citizens Club inc.) tent where they were selling a "piece of the bedpan" in hopes of raising money to fund the Old Caver's Home purchase, the ACCA (Ancient Caver Conservation Association) display all the way from KY complete with photos of really old cavers, and BNC Wunderwear (makers of the amazing inflatable "wunderbuns" caving support briefs - a Beaner favorite)! Yes even Dr Beaner was able to find some "must buy" items in vendors row this year. Some of the newest products include the incredibly stiff hyperbar rack by Viagratech, the new edition of "On Rope" by the American Hemp Growers Association, and of course the new "El Loco" monster converted locomotive headlamp from Chattanooga Choo Choo Products ( a light so powerful it can wilt grass in broad daylight at ten feet away). There were even a few vendors catering to cavers young enough to actually set foot inside a cave as well... but I digress. Imy you really should have attended the SERA event. It was truly a one of a kind atmosphere where anything could happen. For example as we were staggering about the event with our buddy Dr Sleazle we ran upon the most obscure human behavioral oddity that I have ever witnessed. Yes you guessed it - Greco Roman Oatmeal Starch Envelopement (G.R.O.S.E.)! There in the center of a cheering throng of onlookers were several older cavers writhing in agony as they struggled to free themselves from the starchy grip of a huge tub of hot Quaker Oatmeal! Like flies stuck to flypaper these poor old coots pulled with all their might to escape the sticky quagmire. Side bets were being made, women and children feinted, fruit jars were passed about, and soon fisticuffs ensued in this carnival-like atmosphere . It was getting ugly. And then it happened. In a final desperate lunge one of the old ones pulled free - but not before his Haynes were ripped from his portly white anatomy by the tenacious oatmeal paste. The crowd gasped, eyes were quickly averted, women screamed, men feinted, and then we all witnessed a long period of utter silence. It was too late as far too many onlookers had seen far too much under the glare of the headlamps. The humanity! The noticeably shaken crowd dispersed mumbling to themselves leaving the rest of the oatmeal encrusted geezers to fend for themsleves. Unfortunately you just can't un-see things after you see them. On the bright side the next morning CAG gave out free bowls of oatmeal to hungry campers all over the campgrounds! You just gotta love those playful Carneys! The MANITOU (Mostly Arthritic Near Inactive Tired Old Underachievers) trip was actually an impromptu trip back to a local cave to see if the elderly cavers involved could successfully navigate and survive a moderately tough commercial style cave trip. While Dr Beaner did not witness this firsthand it appears the cavers found old Civil Defense rations way back in the cave that had been there for 40 years or more. They apparently ate some of the old crackers (rumored to have been secretly seeded with experimental anti- radiation drugs that allegedly cause strange genetic mutations to occur at the cell level). Oddly these veteran cavers involved came back out of the cave laughing, singing, and vowing to go caving more often! What is really unusual is that they all looked years younger. Amazingly all of the younger cavers on the trip were unaffected from any of the crackers eaten in the cave. I will have to get the crack Beaner Industries Science team looking into this strange phenomenon as soon as possible. Dr Beaner suspects a radon / oatmeal interaction may also be responsible for this effect but I digress.... Soon it was all over and everyone went home leaving another SERA as a pleasant memory in ones' tired old brain. Yes Imy that is about all I can report on for this years SERA. All your fears were for nothing and all your problems are solved yet again. You really should be paying me extremely well for these services rendered. In fact I strongly suggest that for your own well being you use Paypal to send as much as possible to help me help you. It will make you feel much better I promise! Send your donations to : www.BeanerNeedsANewMustangGT.org. Cash donations are also accepted as are Visa, MasterCard, and American Express - just slip it to me at the next caving event. As always I try to make it easy for you! Remember everyone - Give often and give till it hurts!